All we do is fight anymore. And it is not even about the big stuff. I want to say it is his fault, but I know it is mine. And I cannot deal with the feelings.
I grew up very sheltered and there are things I just do not know. I am not trying to use that as an excuse but you cannot teach people some things. They have to learn.
I am exhausted from fighting. I know one of these days it will be the last fight and then my world will crumble.
I hope I have guidance from somewhere in 2014 and am able to fix what is broken. Because I cannot stand it anymore and I know he can't either.
Why do we fight? It ruins a nice day. Like it did today. But I have my escape and so does he. We need to be closer and talk more. We never go to bed angry though. That I learned from my mother and grandmother.
I don't want to fight anymore. I am tired. And I know he is too.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Broken Pieces of Glass
I just read the best quote, though who said it was not posted.
"A girl once told me to be careful when trying to fix a broken person for you may cut yourself on their shattered pieces"
Wow...
Why does this hit so hard?
Because all I do is help people in need. And all I do is get cut. Remember my favorite expression that I get kicked in the teeth all the time? I am referring to people I want to fix. I feel I can be their friend and help them. Like a baby bird that has fallen out of its nest, I want to help all of the baby birds to get better. But in the process, I wind up hurting myself, and sometimes the bird.
It is so hard when you have someone over your house, and you hang out, and share secrets, then they put the screws to you and blame you. My husband and protector usually calls these so called friends and wants answers that they, as liars and connivers mooch their way out of. But my husband, with his Law Enforcement background, knows a pile of you know what when he hears it and calls them on it and they have no more wall to back up against. Then the next thing is I get an angry call from former friend saying "Thanks a lot for having your husband call me!" click. He is my protector. Why shouldn't he try to figure things out. And protect me. He knows I have gone through so many friends. He can tell right away when he meets a new friend that they are no good. I tell him he is wrong this time. But he never is wrong. And he warns me but I think I am getting along so well with someone and then BAM! It happens again. In real life, and on the computer.
Imagine everyone you have ever met liking you. Calling you nice. Telling you that you are a reflection of your mother. And everyone loves my mother. I have never heard a single bad word about her. But imagine that and then imagine someone making up a lie, like I did not call them when they eloped to wish them a Happy Wedding. When the real story was the boyfriend did not want me around. I do not know why. I only met him once! What did I do that was so bad? He erased my wedding wishes from the machine I just know it. How do I tell my best friend of 9 years that? She is going to believe him because she is in love.
I am happy with the friends that have stuck around through good and bad. But I never hurt anyone. Ask my best friend since 5th grade. Ask my husband's friend's ex-wife, who I have been friends with a good 9 years now. Ask my neighbors. Ask my online friends. You will never hear that I was the bad guy. This I can say with 100% honesty.
And how about an internet friend who told me I was negative, and called me a bully. She wrote something so nasty she wrote back to me that her mother saw it and told her to apologize. But I AM wrong...me. First of all, with all the medical mess I have been through I am anything but negative. I want her to find one email where I was negative. If I was not positive I would not be here now and I am not kidding. Someone like her, believes she is living in a dystopian book. I know she has some real problems, but not compared to me. And this is not a who can outdo who. But she gets to go to work. Go out with her friends. Do you know what I would give up to be able to do that?! And she is still young and I understand that. Now I may let the being negative slide, but to call me a bully?! I can gather all of my good friends now and ask them first of all when I was ever negative, and second when I ever bullied anyone, knowing I was bullied in the past. She had no other words. The truth is it was her fault and she did not want to admit it so she threw the broken pieces of glass at me. They all had different words on them. And then she tries to blog about it like she is the hurt one.
No you are not. You are fine. I am not sure you even liked me. YOU are the one who described our relationship as "I feel like the fat girl who hangs around the popular cheerleader" Is that my fault? The site she brought me too, because I made so many friends so fast, is that my fault? I am bubbly and full of life. When I am not suffering I am the person you want to talk to and hang out with. I made so many friends and love them all. Some know about this discord. It is hard to keep under wraps when you have similar tastes, similar friends. I was gentle and did not say much more than I am saying here. But I am tired of being the whipping girl. She needs to come out of her shell and try to trust people. Yes it hurts when something goes wrong but you have to get back up on the horse. Everyone is not the same.
I want to put a brick wall up so my feelings do not come through. But it would not work. I would claw at it or find something sharp and chip it away piece by piece because I am a social creature. I just love to be happy and to make people happy. I have put my husband on hold for friends. That is how seriously I take my friendships.
So this all came from that one quote. I keep telling myself I let go of the friend. But I do miss her. I am sorry that she feels I hurt her but I never bullied her and always encouraged her. I am sorry to some of you reading this because you have heard me speak on this before. But I wanted it all out in the open.
So please, if you do not want to be my friend, spare me the pain later on and just tell me now. If I did something or said something you thought was nasty, tell me. I mean, what is a friendship without honesty.
I do miss talking to her and sharing with her everyday. But I have found other friends. I will be fine I always am.
"A girl once told me to be careful when trying to fix a broken person for you may cut yourself on their shattered pieces"
Wow...
Why does this hit so hard?
Because all I do is help people in need. And all I do is get cut. Remember my favorite expression that I get kicked in the teeth all the time? I am referring to people I want to fix. I feel I can be their friend and help them. Like a baby bird that has fallen out of its nest, I want to help all of the baby birds to get better. But in the process, I wind up hurting myself, and sometimes the bird.
It is so hard when you have someone over your house, and you hang out, and share secrets, then they put the screws to you and blame you. My husband and protector usually calls these so called friends and wants answers that they, as liars and connivers mooch their way out of. But my husband, with his Law Enforcement background, knows a pile of you know what when he hears it and calls them on it and they have no more wall to back up against. Then the next thing is I get an angry call from former friend saying "Thanks a lot for having your husband call me!" click. He is my protector. Why shouldn't he try to figure things out. And protect me. He knows I have gone through so many friends. He can tell right away when he meets a new friend that they are no good. I tell him he is wrong this time. But he never is wrong. And he warns me but I think I am getting along so well with someone and then BAM! It happens again. In real life, and on the computer.
Imagine everyone you have ever met liking you. Calling you nice. Telling you that you are a reflection of your mother. And everyone loves my mother. I have never heard a single bad word about her. But imagine that and then imagine someone making up a lie, like I did not call them when they eloped to wish them a Happy Wedding. When the real story was the boyfriend did not want me around. I do not know why. I only met him once! What did I do that was so bad? He erased my wedding wishes from the machine I just know it. How do I tell my best friend of 9 years that? She is going to believe him because she is in love.
I am happy with the friends that have stuck around through good and bad. But I never hurt anyone. Ask my best friend since 5th grade. Ask my husband's friend's ex-wife, who I have been friends with a good 9 years now. Ask my neighbors. Ask my online friends. You will never hear that I was the bad guy. This I can say with 100% honesty.
And how about an internet friend who told me I was negative, and called me a bully. She wrote something so nasty she wrote back to me that her mother saw it and told her to apologize. But I AM wrong...me. First of all, with all the medical mess I have been through I am anything but negative. I want her to find one email where I was negative. If I was not positive I would not be here now and I am not kidding. Someone like her, believes she is living in a dystopian book. I know she has some real problems, but not compared to me. And this is not a who can outdo who. But she gets to go to work. Go out with her friends. Do you know what I would give up to be able to do that?! And she is still young and I understand that. Now I may let the being negative slide, but to call me a bully?! I can gather all of my good friends now and ask them first of all when I was ever negative, and second when I ever bullied anyone, knowing I was bullied in the past. She had no other words. The truth is it was her fault and she did not want to admit it so she threw the broken pieces of glass at me. They all had different words on them. And then she tries to blog about it like she is the hurt one.
No you are not. You are fine. I am not sure you even liked me. YOU are the one who described our relationship as "I feel like the fat girl who hangs around the popular cheerleader" Is that my fault? The site she brought me too, because I made so many friends so fast, is that my fault? I am bubbly and full of life. When I am not suffering I am the person you want to talk to and hang out with. I made so many friends and love them all. Some know about this discord. It is hard to keep under wraps when you have similar tastes, similar friends. I was gentle and did not say much more than I am saying here. But I am tired of being the whipping girl. She needs to come out of her shell and try to trust people. Yes it hurts when something goes wrong but you have to get back up on the horse. Everyone is not the same.
I want to put a brick wall up so my feelings do not come through. But it would not work. I would claw at it or find something sharp and chip it away piece by piece because I am a social creature. I just love to be happy and to make people happy. I have put my husband on hold for friends. That is how seriously I take my friendships.
So this all came from that one quote. I keep telling myself I let go of the friend. But I do miss her. I am sorry that she feels I hurt her but I never bullied her and always encouraged her. I am sorry to some of you reading this because you have heard me speak on this before. But I wanted it all out in the open.
So please, if you do not want to be my friend, spare me the pain later on and just tell me now. If I did something or said something you thought was nasty, tell me. I mean, what is a friendship without honesty.
I do miss talking to her and sharing with her everyday. But I have found other friends. I will be fine I always am.
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