Why Can't I Scream?

I go for acupuncture and I am relaxed.

Right after, Dr. A-hole comes out and says I have to sit and get a new prescription for my acupuncture. I cannot stand this man. He has not one once of empathy, certainly no sympathy, no anything. I tell him, because he never listens, that I have to be out at a certain time. Like I have told him 100 times before. He said what he always says "This will just be a few minutes"

I have had it.

I say loudly "WHAT TIME IS IN NOW?!" as I stand and refuse to sit as he has gestured me to.

He looks at his watch and says "Five after one"

I say to him I have time.

I sit and read my book.

I go into the doctor.

"How are you doing?" he asks.

I scream inside my head. I have answered this question a million times for most of my life. Especially the last 14 years. I want to tell him I fell like hell, I want the medicine I want not what they want to give me, I want to go home and sleep and not wake up, I want to not be here in this office, I want him to wipe that smile off his face.

But I smile and say "Not bad"

We talk a bit about what is going on with me. Routine. I do not feel any better when I leave. Shocker. He was very nice to me once. At least he is not Dr. A-hole.

So I get out in time.

My husband is waiting.

We come home. I have two books I won in a contest waiting for me. YIPPEE! A bright spot in the day. One funny book, one serious one. One I seriously may give to someone I consider my best friend. She would appreciate the serious book more than me. It is a hardcover. Nice job!

Then HE starts talking.

As he talks about me, the mortgage, the bills, the dog, the house, etc I am screaming again in my head, in my mind "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!! DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW ALL THIS! DON'T YOU KNOW THE GUILT I HAVE EVERYDAY BECAUSE THIS IS ALL MY FAULT?! STOP TALKING! YOU SOUND LIKE A BROKEN RECORD!!"

I love this man. More than myself. I want to make him feel better after he is done talking about why he is out of sorts but anything I say is falling on deaf ears.

It is okay. He keeps talking and I keep tuning out. I am listening just enough to answer him.

Then he says he just wants it to all be okay and, he is on the stairs, one step below me on the staircase, and he leans his head into my chest and lets out a deep breath. I crumble. I want to cry but I cannot. I never do in front of him. I do what he loves the most. I stroke his head and tell him it is going to be okay and say nothing for what seems like an eternity.

I think I wish I had a magic potion that would help him get out of his funk. I try to explain negative thoughts draw negative events and negative energy, but he does not believe in such things. He said he thinks positive and gets kicked in the teeth. That breaks my heart in a million pieces.

He finally, dressed for work in his CO uniform, looking so handsome, as always, he looks up at me with tired eyes. I tell him to make sure he has a good cup of coffee at work, and to have a great day and enjoy the office he always wanted and now has. He said he would. Our lips touch and it feels good. If that kiss would talk it may have said "Okay, there is still something here. A bond that will never break. We have been through worse, I love you."

No more bad talk, no more lectures, he goes down the staircase and I, as I do everyday, listen for the side door to shut. I listen for the old Ford Taurus to start, pull out of the driveway, and down the street.

I am still holding the dog, who, I found out, while I was at acupuncture, cried the whole time. He is very sensitive and feels the tension in the house. I am standing in the hallway while I was tuning out my husband, in plain site of the dog and he was crying. I had to turn around and go pick his little 6 pound body off the bed and hold him like a baby.

So when the car turns the corner, I nuzzle into the dog. I tell him "We are going to have a good day!" and kiss him and place him back on the bed.

Am overwhelming feeling of sleepiness comes over me. I cannot take the silence. I never could but that is a whole other story. I immediately hate the deafening silence and turn on American Dad. Like I do everyday at this time.

I open my packages which contain the books I have won. One funny one and one serious one. I may seriously give the serious one to my best friend. I think she would appreciate it. I have to read and review it. Those are not the hard and fast rules, but common courtesy. Why did I enter the contest if I was not very interested in the book? Because I have never said no to a book. There have only been three in my life I have not been able to finish. I believe with my whole heart that we can always learn something from somewhere. So I will have to read the serious book but I would like to give it to my friend to have.

I see how much mail I have. Email, messages on sites, etc. My friends. New and old. What would I do without them? One particular message is very interesting and makes me smile. I decide I have to get this poison out of me. I reply to my friend, and decide to read. I am nauseous.

I start to feel overwhelmed. But I have eight hours to get something done.

I am pushing down the feelings of everything being all my fault and that will never change. The past cannot be forgotten by some people.

I think of all the positive things I can do today to make it better.

I honestly believe having the idea of the glass half full is essential to happiness and sanity. My glass is always all the way full. I believe in the energy of the universe. I believe in Karma. I believe in putting out positive energy to get back positive. And the same goes for negative energy.

If there was one question I would like answered is, how can someone so positive as myself, be with someone so negative as my husband. He is not a bad man. He is one of the good ones. But then again a lot of the negative thinking has come from his job and from things that have happened over the years. But can't he try harder? I do not have words anymore. He has his own way of thinking and it is pretty impossible to tear down that wall. Unlike myself who changes at will. I ebb and flow with the moon and tide.

I have to get these bad thoughts out of my mind.

With Spongebob Squarepants on in the background, the dog asleep at my feet, and the promise of rest and reading and talking to friends (mom already made her daily call), I begin my day. My job of taking care of the house, holding it together, and holding myself together.