Why Did I Hurt Her?

What is wrong with me? Why did I hurt her.

So amazing.

So talented.

So beautiful.

It hurts so bad, just like it does when I hurt someone close to me. Or when I constantly get my teeth kicked in. Things from years ago still eat at me, even though they are long forgotten and very forgiven. It is physically as well as psychologically painful. It burns and stings inside. I wish there was a pill to make it go away.

I am not a bad person.

I go out of my way for strangers, but the people close to me, for some reason, I hurt. I guess I figure they will understand because they know me and my quirks.

I get distracted so easily! Why? This is frustrating. Part of my problem. Part of many problems.

I wish I could talk to her face to face. She does not know what her friendship means to me. She does not know I think of her a few times a day if not more. She does not know I have told her things I never told anyone. I love her like a sister (one that you do not fight with!).

What are the words to use? To say you are sorry. Sorry never seems to cut it.

I tried to use my words. But they got erased. Maybe they were not meant to be seen. As sincere as they were.

I am sad to the point of being sick. I do not know where I stand now. It is driving me crazy. I cannot relax because I feel like something came crashing down and I am trying to pick up all of the pieces and put it back together.

If this was a broken vase, I would take it to a professional and not glue it together myself. But it is a friendship and such a special one.

I can only hope that she asks herself why? Maybe she can ask herself why I act like I do? Maybe she will not like the answer. But then maybe she will ask herself why I write to her everyday, a lot of time more than once a day, send her links to things I know she likes, read her blog, give her advice, etc.

Because she is such a great friend. Such an amazing person and I do not have to ask why she is so important to me.