Suffering

I found this quote in a book I am reading and it fit so perfect. It not only reflects what Susannah Cahalan has been through, and observed, but what I have been through, and observed as a patient many many times over, a patient with many illnesses, disabilities, and doctors. And I ask why? What happened? I know most of the answer and I do not like it.

From "Brain on Fire-My Month of Madness" by Susannah Cahalan "While he may be an excellent doctor in many respects, Dr. Bailey is also, in some ways, a perfect example of what is wrong with medicine. I was just a number to him (and if he saw thirty-five patients a day, as he told me, that means I was one of a very large number). He is a by-product of a defective system that forces neurologists to spend five minutes with X number of patients a day to maintain their bottom line. It's a bad system. Dr. Bailey is not the exception to the rule. He is the rule"

Why do doctor's always ask "How are you today?" I have looked like death warmed over and they still ask that very ridiculous question. If I was doing okay, I would not be there first of all. I have been in your waiting room way longer than should be expected. But even when I get in to see the doctor right away, because I do not say anything, because I scream in my head what I really want to say, because I was brought up to be polite, I always say "fine".

Sometimes I say "Cruddy", sometimes I say "Bad today", sometimes I say "I am in a lot of pain". It is funny how mostly, although I have been seeing a lot of these doctors for years, their answer is always the same. Nothing. Just utter silence. Sometimes on a bad day, they will entice me by asking "Not good - why?" Seriously. Why? If I knew, I would not be here. And we are not going to figure out why today because I have been seeing you for x amount of years.

I would need a whole other blog to explain what is wrong with me (nothing that you can tell from by just looking at me). But I think I need to get some new doctors or start using the voice in my head. Maybe cut down on the swearing, but say out loud how I feel. Did you ever notice the loudest most obnoxious patient in the ER, or on the unit, gets the most attention? I have often, after being ignored, asked my husband "Do I have to act crazy or yell and scream before someone comes to help me?" He always assures me this is not the solution. I very often think it is.

Last night at 6p I was drained and tired. I slept until 10pm (my body seems to instinctively know when my husband comes home from work). Then it was three am and I was getting a migraine. Well guess what? The doctor, despite my improvement on this medication, cut it just the other day. Cut my migraine medication. And did not tell me how to dose down. I guess he figured I am the RN I will figure it out. So as my head throbbed and I felt nauseous at 3am, I took some medicine to help. I started to feel better. I fell asleep around 6am. I was up by 9am. Why? My head is literally killing me. I cannot get anything done or enjoy many things in general. I had plans today.

If I had just been more forceful and asked my doctor "why?" as in why are you cutting my medication, maybe things would be different this morning. I am calling him Monday.

But yes, all the doctors are always busy. The want you in and out. Cram as many in as you can to make money. This is why I choose when I can, Yoga, Reiki, Acupuncture, etc.

I am much much better than I used to be, but I keep suffering.

Why?