(Sung by Steve Martin in "The Little Shop of Horrors" movie remake)
[ORIN]
When I was younger, just a bad little kid,
My mama noticed funny things I did,
Like shootin' puppies with a B B gun
I'd poison guppies, and when I was done
I'd find a pussycat and bash in its head
That's when my mama said
[CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON]
What did she say?
[ORIN]
She said, "My boy, I think someday
You'll find a way
To make your natural tendencies pay
You'll be a dentist
You have a talent for causin' things pain
Son, be a dentist
People will pay you to be inhumane
Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood
And teaching would suit you still less
Son, be a dentist
You'll be a success
[CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON]
Here he is, folks the leader of the plaque!
Watch him suck up that gas!
Oh, my god!
He's a dentist and he'll never ever be any good
Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis de Sade?
[PATIENT]
Oh that hurts! I'm not numb!
[ORIN]
Oh, shut up. Open wide. here I come!
I am your dentist
[PATIENT]
Goodness gracious!
[ORIN]
And I enjoy the career that I picked
[CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON]
Really love it
[ORIN]
I am your dentist
[PATIENT]
Fitting braces
[ORIN]
And I get off on the pain I inflict
[CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON]
Really love it
[ORIN]
I thrill when I drill a bicuspid
[CRYSTAL, RONETTE, CHIFFON]
Bicuspid
[ORIN]
It's swell though they tell me I'm maladjusted
And though it may cause my patients distress,
Somewhere, somewhere in heaven above me
I know, I know, that my mama's proud of me
Oh, mama
'Cause I'm a dentist and a success
Say ah!
[PATIENT]
Ah!
[ORIN]
Say ah!
[PATIENT]
Ah!
[ORIN]
Say ah!
[PATIENT]
Ah!
[ORIN]
Now spit!
I loved both versions of the Dentist in each movie. If you are not familiar, rent this one, and also rent the original where Jack Nickelson plays the Dentist. Good stuff.
So, I cannot get too crazy here because my dentist just happens to be my Sister-In-Law's boss. Plus he is a very nice man.
But NOT THIS WEEK!
(I went on a Red Day apparently)
I had four bottom front teeth that needed caps. Now, being ill as I have been most of my life, with painful conditions, I have a high tolerance for pain. BUT THIS EXCLUDES THE DENTIST!
Why is everything painful thing magnified a hundred times?
To tell you the truth, I do not even mind the needle to numb up my gums. I get the pre-needle stuff on a cotton swab, then the needle. But those front teeth? Too tiny and very sensitive.
(yes seriously that tiny or darn close to it)
As we started, my temporary crowns had been on so long I pulled the first one out myself. Then my dentist, let us call him Dr. D., pulled the rest off with that clamp that I would like to take and twist his nose around with it and see if that feels good!
But here is the kicker. I did not get numbed up right away because, all of those teeth on the bottom, all four, had root canals. So you are not supposed to feel anything. Root canal means the root is gone. The root of all evil. But it does not work that way. Your gums are still there.
If you are wondering why my teeth are so bad, you can thank the years of doctors who put me on medication and never explained what it does to your teeth. Common among doctors. Always ask your doctor what your wonderful new medication can potentially do to your teeth down the road.
So Dr. D. was pulling crowns off posts (ouch!) and picking around with that sharp edged metal thing. (OUCH!!). Not to mention, I have hair almost all the way down my back so, you would think I would remember to put it up in a ponytail when it is time to go to the dentist, but no. So there is Dr. D., and he can't just stop working and he is pulling my hair out on top of the other pain.
Each tooth took forever. And I mean forever. During which time Dr. D. asked his not regular assistant why mixing cement was taking so long. I giggled to myself. Not at the girl but yes, how hard is is to mix cement? I think I can do it!
Then they lost one of my teeth because it was so tiny. I have been cursed since birth with a boom box for a voice but a tiny mouth and tiny teeth.
(I don't mean to but my regular voice comes out exactly as the picture above. And that is my husband getting the brunt of it, my NORMAL voice)
Then neither the Dr. nor the assistant could figure out which of the four teeth went where. We had a couple of hits and misses there.
But the worst part? WATER ON MY FACE! This is why I stopped wearing makeup to the dentist. But just in general, you are sitting there, water is dripping down your face and you cannot touch it. It is torture.
(she is not having fun and neither was I)
And speaking of torture, because they were my front teeth, the Dr. pulled my bottom lip out like he was pulling out a metal slot to put in quarters to get stickers from those old machines. They still have them at Chicken Galore. Also, I do not think he realizes if he knew he was squeezing my lip so hard while pulling it almost out as far as it could go.
(like this but pulled further and pinched tighter)
And to add to it, from the bottom, his whole four fingers were DIGGING into my lower jaw.
Then there was putting teeth in, taking them out. And repeat. And repeat again. Where did the post go? Why is it taking so long to mix the cement? Sit like this and don't move (really? I think that is implied). Then I see blood all over his glove. I am an RN. I can handle anything but vomit. Blood is fine but not from my mouth. My body no problem, not my mouth. It sends my already anxiety ridden self into a state of wondering where all of that blood came from and how they intend to put it back.
(That is definitely not all mine!)
So my appointment was for 11am. Granted we got there about 10 minutes late (I needed my book). But we left about 12:15pm/12:30pm.
My husband is allowed to come back and be annoying because his sister works there, since she was 16. Dr. D. told my husband that if I was cranky the rest of the day, he was giving me a pass to be because of all the work that was done. My husband laughed. I did not.
You never know when something simple at the dentist will turn into a disaster. And it is for this reason I have had major panic attacks before dentist appointments. Cancelled them more times than I could count. Cursed out the Dr. in my head. Tried telepathy so the Dr. would know how much pain I was in.
It is not really pain (until the novocaine wears off) but the pressure that hurts. The picking with metallic instruments is a sound that goes right up my spine to where my head feels like it is going to explode. And do not get me started on the drill.
Inside my mind I am screaming "AREN'T YOU DONE YET!?" No one hears.
And my husband laughs as we get coffee and it dribbles down my chin.
My teeth, which could have been from an endangered species they were so bad, now look perfect....on the bottom. The top is not as bad and for another time.
I will NEVER like the dentist. If I was rich and famous I would have them knock me out for any dental procedure. STONE...COLD...OUT.
I still remember when they gave you nitrous. Wow! that was fun stuff! What happened to that?
By the way I hate the teeth cleaning too. I pretty much have a steady stream of dialogue in my head very similar to the one I have going on while the dentist is working on me.
The nights I have iced cream or some other sweet snack and fell asleep without brushing my teeth and wake up 9 hours later, I curse. Because even these are nice crowns or caps or whatever, they will eventually develop plaque so you have to take good care of them as if they were real teeth.
So I am happy right now. Until my next Dentist appointment.
Oh yeah! And did I get a lollypop? Did my mom take me to McDonald's for being good? No. I got a coupon for Listerine and a travel size toothpaste. Just what I always wanted.
No comments:
Post a Comment